PRESIDENT DONALD J TRUMP

A 70-year-old man who cannot change and has no intention of doing so.

A batshit crazy bigoted racist jingoist asshole.

A bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy.

A big silver back gorilla.

A bigoted, sexist, divisive, vainglorious fan of political violence.

A bird-brained, predatory beast.

A blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran.

A bloated billionaire scion.

A blowhard with a 7th-grade vocabulary who became a celebrity billionaire with a supermodel wife.

A brain-damaged baboon.

A bright orange man in a bright red hat.

A brightly burning trash fire.

A burlap sack full of rancid Peeps.

A bursting landfill of municipal solid waste.

A candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses.

A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine.

A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad.

A Cheeto-dusted bloviator.

A chewed up piece of carrot cake.

A child king.

A clownish peddler of racial and religious stereotypes who makes everything up as he goes along.

A con man.

A cruel, crude, vulgar bombast.

A cry baby jack-o’-lantern.

A cryogenically frozen bog man.

A damaged human being…a person to be shunned.

A damaged sociopathic narcissist.

A dangerous demagogue completely unsuited to the responsibilities of a United States president.

A Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch.

A decomposing ear of corn.

A decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels.

A deeply stupid person: a crude, nasty, bloviating man.

A deflated football.

A degloved zoo penis.

A demagogue who intentionally seeks to exploit the “poorly educated” by appealing to them with simplistic messages that in truth carry no substance.

A demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

A demented orange murder clown.

A demonic messiah in Oompa Loompa’s clothing.

A deranged sex case.

A dick waving Berlusconi knock-off.

A disappointment.

A disgraced Pope impersonator.

A disgusting, reprehensible egomaniac who sees only himself and denies the humanity of others.

A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots.

A Disney villain.

A disturbingly old Dennis the Menace impersonator.

A dumb person’s idea of what a smart person sounds like.

A dumpster fire.

A dusty barrel of fermented peepee.

A failed gambling czar, corporate welfare king, and supreme hypocrite to his own accusations about others.

A fake clown who is making a mockery of the real clowns who have been running American government for years.

A fake-bake-ing chicken hawk whose knowledge of the Middle East could be trumped (sorry) by your average Georgetown sophomore.

A false prophet who will guide the great nation of the United States to the bottom of the ocean, all the way through the shores of ignorance, racism, hunger and despair.

A fart telling an endless joke about itself.

A fart-infused lump of raw meat.

A fascist golem made of flypaper.

A fascist…a self-serving, arrogant, stupid lunatic…a very clear reality to the old adage: Arrogance is ignorance matured.

A figurative rubber, and also literal rubber.

A flatulent leather couch.

A flopped-over traffic cone.

A football hooligan going lower and lower.

A fossilized meatball.

A foul mouthed thrice married pussy grabber.

A foul-mouthed tit judge.

A fucking fat faced maniac.

A fucking wigged prick.

A full of himself spoiled rich brat…a crude obnoxious megalomaniacal mutt…an embarrassment to the country…he needs to get on his horse & giddyap back to his gilded bird cage in Dump Tower.

A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head.

A fuzzy meat wad.

A gangrenous gaping wound.

A garbage fire.

A general disaster area.

A giant novelty dildo.

A giant orange Twitter egg.

A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things.

A golden goose so loved by God he was transformed into a human man, only the Lord +got tired midway through and paused for rest, never to resume.

A hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites.

A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place.

A hairpiece come to life.

A heartless, dangerous, malignant individual.

A heaving carcass.

A hollow, vicious man who never met any inferior he couldn’t bully.

A horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan.

A horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler.

A hot pork balloon.

A huge lobster, 90% of which is just a big orange husk, and the claws are really tiny.

A human embodiment of a YouTube comments section.

A human horror show who has never once given a moment of thought to the hopes, dreams, struggles, or circumstances of anyone else in existence.

A human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit.

A human ocarina.

A human/Komodo dragon hybrid.

A human-shaped wad of Gak.

A human-sized infectious microbe.

A hunk of beef jerky that rolls under the couch and is left there to harden, becoming covered in dust and cat hair until a cockroach takes it back to its lair and makes it his wife.

A KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank.

A lamprey eel spray-painted gold.

A lead paint factory explosion.

A lecherous, chauvinistic serial abuser.

A little bit charming, a little more patronising and totally unpredictable…the epitome of volatile.

A loathsome demon.

A Loony-toon.

A loudmouth carny racist egomaniacal money-fellating jack-booted misogynistic thug.

A low rent villain in a Disney movie trying to build a hotel on a kids’ skate park.

A ludicrous figure…at least he’s worked out how to cover 90 per cent of his skull with 30 per cent of his hair.

A lying infantile scumbag.

A lying, handsy, narcissistic sociopath.

A malfunctioning wind turbine.

A malignant corn chip.

A malignant narcissist…too stupid to be a sociopath…reminds me of Jerry Springer, if Jerry Springer ran for President. A tacky TV guy.

A man that angry and that hateful has to suffer from an erectile dysfunction. There’s no other excuse for it.

A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House.

A monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam.

A mountain of rotting whale blubber.

A nacho cheese golem.

A narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho.

A neo-fascist real estate golem.

A neon-tinted hellion.

A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs.

A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball.

A parental pile of burnt organic material.

A perpetual embarrassment. 

A pervert who tries to conceal the size of his tiny hands inside of vaginas.

A pestilent clownfister.

A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate.

A poorly-drawn fascist.

A poorly-trained circus orangutan.

A prurient, sexist predator—one who doesn’t let anything get between him and the satisfaction of his immediate desires.

A pumpkin-flavored arsenic marshmallow.

A punk ass chump.

A rabid coyote with bad hair. 

A race baiting demagogue.

A racist Cheeto.

A racist soft serve machine that only dispenses diarrhea. 

A racist sunset.

A racist teratoma.

A racist voodoo doll made of discarded cat hair.

A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist…How can we see this and other people can’t? That’s what’s so sad about what’s going on in this country.

A racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar.

A Ralph Steadman illustration come to life.

A rapey can of Fanta. 

A Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef.

A repugnant, repulsive cancer of a person who makes our world a crueler, more hateful place by his very existence.

A resilient slug covered in salt wounds.

A revolting slug completely unfit for public office.

A rich idiot…willing to allow garbage to fall out of his mouth without batting a single golden lash.

A roiling Cheez Whiz mass.

A Rorschach test of America’s fears.

A rude, crude, fatuous, vacuous, panting, ranting, shallow, bellowing maniac.

A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria.

A screaming giant cheese wedge.

A seagull dipped in tikka masala.

A seeping fleabag.

A self-celebrating sexual predator whose rhetoric threatens the democratic process.

A self-financed jack-o’-lantern. 

A self-tanning enthusiast.

A sentient circus peanut.

A sentient hate-balloon.

A sentient septic tank.

A sentient waste disposal plant.

A serial hypocrite.

A sexually ravenous shambling orange baby man. 

A shallow, mendacious, boorish and extremely dangerous man.

A shaved St Bernard dog in a suit.

A shrieking pumpkin.

A shrivelled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket.

A shrivelled tangerine covered in golden retriever hair filled with bile that I would not leave alone with the woman I love.

A simplistic, self-involved gasbag of a candidate.

A sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese.

A small, insecure, money grubber, who cares about no one and nothing but himself…a pathetic cheapskate…a selfish little sleaze ball…a two bit con man.

A small, snivelling wretch of a man who doesn’t even deserve the validation of a grubby reality TV show, never mind the position of the most powerful political leader on the planet.

A sociopath drunk on himself. His religion is hatred. His god is Donald Trump. He is also addicted to empty adjectives. He is not a man of his word or of words as markers of truth.

A spray-tanned failed businessman who lies constantly.

A sputum-filled Orange Julius. 

A stately hot dog casing

A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment.

A sun-dried tomato.

A sunken, corroding soufflé.

A sun-kissed ass plug.

A superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs.

A swollen earthworm gizzard.

A talking comb-over.

A talking tube of bronzer.

A tattered Craigslist sofa.

A temperamental gelatinous sponge.

A terrible man who has done terrible things and has a terrible plan for the country.

A thin-skinned, upside-down traffic cone filled with bile and overcooked steak, a transparent con artist whose only answer for America is, “What would happen if Gordon Gekko fucked Snooki and they had a micro-fingered reality TV baby?” A man whose face is so red and swollen it looks like his skin is allergic to facts, you tangerine-tinted sack of shit.

A three year old trapped inside a Cheeto Puff.

A Tic-Tac sucking pussy monster.

A total walking cliche, devoid of any originality or inspiration, a shallow copycat of empty male stereotypes, marionette rather than human, a sad lost soul in a mire of platitudes.

A two bit used hate salesman. 

A two-bit bullshit artist conning America to help himself. – John Oliver (Oliver then said if Trump pulls out of the race claiming it was all a joke to test America, then he can become “a three-bit bullshit artist conning America to help America”)

A vicious, racist, dangerously unstable sociopath.

A vile nincompoop.

A vile, crotch-grabbing man-toad…a volcano of raw internet sewage.

A waddling sack of shit with a comb over from a cashier at a $5 motel.

A walking irradiated tumor.

A walking pile of reanimated roadkill.

A wanton baby.

A wax museum figure on a very hot day.

A whiny little bitch.

A wolf in wolf’s clothing.

A wrinkly skin balloon filled with farts.

A yellowing hunk of masticated gristle.

Aggressively stupid.

America is considering putting a 5 year old in the White House. A five year old. Someone who says “You’re the puppet!”

America’s wealthiest haemorrhoid.

America’s scariest clown.

An abandoned roadside ham hock.

An adult blobfish.

An aggravated giant duckling. 

An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back.

An arrogant asshole with an ego the size of Texas.

An assault on American democracy.

An authoritarian political outsider stoking xenophobia in a nation where the poor felt marginalized, and blaming complex problems on scapegoating minorities.

An egomaniacal ringmaster who has dominated this prolonged election circus.

An egomaniacal, attention-thirsty, psychopathic, power-hungry, delusional waste of skin and bones…a troll.

An empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun.

An enlarged pee-spattered Sno-Cone.

An enraged Gak spill.

An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size.

An idiot dog that ate a whole tub of orange frosting and shat out the oiliest, hottest, most vile and rank semi-firm orange turd the world had ever seen. The turd fell into a pile of pubes recently shaved off the ballsack of a racist necromancer, and their lingering scrotal enchantments brought the turd to life and imbued it with the power of speech and a primal hatred of anyone who is not a wealthy orange sociopath. And the turd called itself “Donald.” And then it just fucking talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and FUCKING TALKED. And not a brow on earth would crease for even one instant if some plucky adventurer were to find and destroy all seven of the turd’s devilish horcruxes, causing it to finally crumble into stanky fecal dust, scatter to all the darkest corners of the earth, and plague us no more with its poisonous talking.

An ill-fitting suit full of chickens coming home to roost.

An individual who mocked a disabled reporter, who attributed a reporter’s questions to her menstrual cycle, who mocked a brilliant rival who happened to be a woman due to her appearance, who bragged about his marital affairs, and who laces his public speeches with vulgarity…he admires Vladimir Putin, at the same time he has called George W Bush a liar. That is a twisted example of evil trumping good.

An insult comic writ large.

An orange juggernaut.

An orange talking STD.

An orange, sexual-assaulting, fake-college-starting monster.

An oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard.

An unambiguously racist scarecrow stuffed with scrunched-up copies of Jugs magazine.

An unconscious fascist, less like Hitler the careful schemer, more like Adolf’s mentor Mussolini, who cobbled together a little bit from the socialist left and a lot from the nationalist right, winged it as he noted which lines got the most applause, and repeated those.

An uncooked chicken breast.

An undead tangerine.

An unexamined pulsating mass of conspiracy-laden megalomania.

An unhinged tangerine-coloured candidate with cotton candy hair who lies about being a billionaire.

An unkempt troll doll found floating face down in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar.

An unmentionable uncle carted off on a kiddie-porn rap just before Thanksgiving dinner.

As much as Trump says he loves America, he really just loves dictatorships. He loves threatening to imprison his opponents. He wants to limit free speech. And yes, he has threatened libel against people that speak out against him.

Cinnamon Hitler.

Clinton is the ultimate symbol of the banks, businessmen and politicians who have overseen the decline in living standards of millions of Americans. But Trump is a sociopath.

Dangerous and thin skinned and unhinged and clinically insane and an ego maniac. A compulsive liar, a charlatan with the impulse control of grease fire.

Dead clown walking.

Disgusting Don.

Donald The Trump.

Donald Trump is a bigot. Donald Trump is a demagogue. Donald Trump is a sexist, misogynist, chauvinist pig. Donald Trump is a bully. Donald Trump is a cheat. Donald Trump is a pathological liar. Donald Trump is a nativist…Donald Trump is America’s existential threat.

Donald Trumpkin.

Even by his own campaigns account Trump is an unruly child who has to be manipulated to listen to his aides.

Extravagantly coiffed.

F*ckface von Clownstick.